Rainbow Hash, a commentary on the societal criteria of Equestria
by lamb of odd
Summary: Consider, for a moment, that one could grow apethetic to the idyllic lands of Equestria. This private pariah, would-be-reprobate, a spectral maned mare of local renown few could achieve with such small effort. Through which methods might she throw off the yoke of tedium, and how might it resonate through the bonds of amity she's worked so little to achieve? Let's find out.
1. Prelude

Dearest gentle Reader,

Consider, for a moment, that one could grow apethetic to the idyllic lands of Equestria. This private pariah, would-be-reprobate, a spectral maned mare of local renown few could achieve with such little effort. Through which methods might she throw off the yoke of tedium, and how might it resonate through the bonds of amity she's worked so little to achieve? Let's find out.

Rainbow Hash

Prelude

The benevolence of the noon-day sun could be felt receding before the mountaintops; gentle rustling was audible as abandoned foliage was caressed by a docile, yet nippy wind. The gust squealed against the friction of nonbeing, singing its melodious lament only to be interrupted by the final calls of songbirds, soaring across the rolling planes of the Western provinces. Stringy remains of clouds, once poofy relics of the midday, hang sadly in the orange sky—put to shame by one remaining ball of intact fluff. Not by luck, does it remain; but by design. From this cumulus towers a slightly darker shade of whiff, being regularly spouted by the mouth of a feathered equine. A blue feathered equine.

The cool breeze crashed against the spectral mane of the aptly named Rainbow Dash, but she didn't care. The sky was a much different color, today. Waves of ethereal essence collided with one another, forming a swirling mass of pure sensation. This magnificent maelstrom was accompanied by its aural equivalent, an assembled blend of noise fabricated by Rainbow's mind which could be described only as beautiful. These two striking marvels, brought together by the general warmness the pegasus felt after taking in this herbal invention, created an atmosphere of wholeness even the duality of Celestia's day and Luna's night couldn't.

But none of these concepts crossed Rainbow's mind. That was the part of the magic. The simplicity of inhale, exhale, and so forth. Exhale. That's two letters away from exile. This fact brought thoughts of fretfulness to Rainbow's mind, piercing the creamy surface of the unfolding psychedelia. But she was quick to banish them, focusing on the autumn nip. A deep, careless grin stretched across her face. Her saturated lips open, releasing a stream of smoke before she begins to speak, "I am so high."

But this tranquility was disturbed by the call of a certain orange filly, "Hey, Rainbow Dash!" Rainbow's reddened eyes shot open, "Fuck."

Not Scoots. She couldn't have picked a better time. It wasn't that Rainbow didn't like Scootaloo, but how would you feel if your self-proclaimed 'Number One Fan' couldn't even give you an hour and a half to unwind? "Rainbow Dash?" Maybe if she doesn't move, Scootaloo will just go away. 'Course, it's always the simplest plans thwarted first: In her jerking to avoid the filly's gaze, the sky-blue pegasus toked a good bit (holding her breath as not to be heard). Undesirably, the peculiar puff defied it's constraints, forcing it's way out of Rainbows irritated lungs- "Hukh-nhn! Kah-kahka-nhn! Kaw-hkh! Shi-it! Huhk-kmph!" God Damn it. "Rainbow Dash?!" The phlegmy cacophony of cough dwindled and was extinguished, Rainbow pounding her chest the entire time. "Yeah, kid, I'm f-Hukh! …Fine" Rainbow reclined with the reefer held next to her thigh, tactically out of Scoots' sight, and placed the other hoof under her head in a fashion one might construe as intentionally unassuming (if it weren't so authentic).

"What can I do you for, kiddo?" Rainbow lazily shot Scootaloo a look through a single open eye. Why was Rainbow Dash acting so strangely? "Um… Well Ms. Cheerilee wanted me to come out here and…" The cerulean steed didn't really seem to be paying attention to her admirer. "Uh…Talk at our school tom-…" Why is there smoke rising from her flank? "Tomorrow." Rainbow grew a hefty smirk as her open eye closed and head turned to the heavens, preceding the narrowing of Scootaloo's gaze. "Sure thing, Squirt." Her speech seemed awfully slow for such a quick mare. "I'll talk at your school any day." Seemed a little kindly, too; but maybe Scoots shouldn't be reading so far into it. Maybe Rainbow was finally warming up to her follower, maybe she's just tired; maybe she's just trying to get the filly out of her hair. "Ooo-kay, Rainbow Dash… Guess I'll see you tomorrow…" Scootaloo kicked 'cross the fields on her scooter, dissecting the conversation as she often did after encounters with her idol, but for a very different reason. _I'm sure she'll be fine tomorrow._ Rainbow places the sweet leaf back in the corner of her drying mouth, confident the orchid-maned filly is occupied. "Yeah… you too, Kiddo."


	2. Chapter Uno, Compadre

Chapter Uno, Compadre

Turbulent wind whipped over the distorting and snapping wings of its spiraling manipulator. Brilliant lockes of every color thrashed against the thin air of an Equestrian morning, a coat of cyan matted against the manager of this particular sect of sky. The auburn orb of effervescent flame, still rising triumphantly, harmonized with (yet contradicted) the dying leaves of the fall season. A blur of blue rocketed past humid cotton-balls that hung in the sky, no longer abject, but jubilant in the atmospheric ascension of morning all things feel. Like a fish through water, Rainbow Dash held a sort of dominion over these winds. It was her place, among the clouds and stars and reveries and euphoria.

Euphoria. Rainbow hoped Scoots hadn't gotten too much of a handle on yesterday, it could've really started some waves if the cobalt mare slipped up; her high manifesting itself a tad too noticeably. But her sober appearance at the schoolhouse today ought to put the filly's mind at ease. Rainbow thinks it will, at least. Scootaloo's a smart one, and probably won't have her queries swept under the rug. Oh, God. What if she's already asked somepony? What's Cheerilee going to say? What if she's told Twilight?! Oh, God, no. No. No. No. It'll be fine. Just keep it smooth. Casual. Offhand, even; and no-pony will be the wiser. She's coming up on the school, now. Rainbow takes a deep breath and fabricates the best look of confidence demonstrable. But it's all a façade.

Cheerilee's standing at the entrance, which is faaaan-tastic, next to a smiling Scoots, which actually is pretty cool. Rainbow didn't actually have anything personal against Cheerilee, but felt she knew her type well enough. Dash had plenty of instructors at flight camp who wore that same grin the teacher is now. Smug. So sure of their infallible morality; sure that their existence is justified by position alone. But, then again, Cheerilee never did anything to Rainbow Dash—maybe she's just glad to see the soon-to-be orator arriving. Yeah. That's probably it.

"Hey, Rainbow Dash!" The orange adolescent spouts her typical salutation as Rainbow descends upon the two equines, her wings beating heavily and sending small whiffs of dust off the cobblestone. "Heyya, Squirt!" Dash beams with a sincerity that surprises even her, before her eyes dart to the schoolteacher, "Cheerilee." Spoken with a simplistic nod of acknowledgement. "Hello to you too, Rainbow Dash." _Fuuuuck. _"We're glad you could find the time to speak at the school today." The Lilac mare's eyes go to Scootaloo, then the sky (which had been particularly erratic for the past week). What the hell is that even supposed to mean? _Does she want me here or not?! _Following that thought, the peculiar tone Cheerilee's sporting this morning hums into Rainbows mind, "Also, it would seem that Miss Scootaloo-" She turns her head to the now scarce filly, "neglected to inform you of your subject." The instructor's right brow arches as her focus on Scoots deepens. "Well, um, see-" Scootaloo begins, trying to shake off the custody of the glare, "We're studying different cultures for the next two weeks, and everyone had to talk about their culture and… I'm the only pegasus in the class, but I was raised in Ponyville and—so" Rainbow, who was intently listening to her admirer's explanation (not out of interest, but the fact that Scootaloo was most often on the receiving end of their conversations,) was profoundly perturbed by Cheerilee speedily interrupting, "So, she thought to find a pegasus grown in Cloudsdale, I.E. you, to lecture the class. Diamond Tiara should be finishing her report, so-" Cheerilee hurriedly pivots to enter the school, the pegasi leisurely striding behind her.

_ I hate it when people say I.E. Just say 'that means' and stop trying so hard. Really, what kind of hoity-toity prick started the trend for everypony to talk like they're M.D.s in the damn…I mean Doctors in the da- _Rainbow's morose musings were halted along with her stroll as Cheerilee announces, "And now, thanks to Scootaloo, we have a special guest to educate us on Cloudsdale ethos! Rainbow Dash!" The class applauds with the same ambiguity as their teacher's introduction, save Scootaloo (who's genuinely intrigued by what Rainbow has to say). Cheerilee motions for Rainbow to take the podium as the spectral-maned mare mouths, _the hell's 'ethos'?_

After thirty minutes of what could have been a string painfully awkward pauses if not for Rainbow's guile, the class was generally sated for any curiosity they may have held for pegasus principles. As you can imagine, this sat well with Rainbow Dash (who could see Cheerilee was about to take the reins of the class). Of course, Scoots would never have her thirst for Dash's words quenched; although it wasn't particularly evident in her slouched position. As predicted, the schoolteacher did what she did best and catered to her students, giving Rainbow a send-off with a round of half-enthused applause. "-and it's been a pleasure speaking, Miss Cheerilee. But, I've got to-"

"Actually," The purple pony cut in, furrowing her brows and developing a malicious sneer, "Seeing as how we're about to break for recess, I thought you could demonstrate the weather-control that _every pegasus learns at a young age._" Cheerilee obviously kowtowed to her class, roping Rainbow into the trap. "Well…" She put on the best smile she could construct, "I suppose…" The class cheered before running for the schoolyard, leaving Scootaloo, Rainbow Dash, and that Machiavellian shrew behind. "I can't wait to see your act, Miss Dash." Cheerilee said with a jovial trot to join her flock outside.

"That's a drag." Scoots uttered candidly, catching Rainbow Dash off-guard. "I'm sorry, Rainbow Dash. If I knew Miss Cheerilee would be acting like this, I wouldn't have suggested-" Rainbow raised a hoof and laxly shook her head, "It's cool, Squirt. I'm just glad I could do you a favor." Scootaloo smiled, just before Rainbow looked down the hall to confirm their privacy. Leaning in, she said, "So, uh, why don't you pay me back? As in, don't you hear the weather-administrator calling for me?" Scoots' smile transformed into a smirk. "I've got you, Rainbow." With a chuckle, the elder pegasus disheveled her counterpart's mane, "Thanks, Kiddo." Moments later, Rainbow was gone; and Scootaloo had never been so elated to fib.

The musty couch creaked as its owner plopped onto it with a sigh, _finally_. Soon her muzzle was firm against a glass cylinder. _Click-click-click. Krsssssssst-click. Glub-bo-bub-gubblo-bub-ub-glub-bublo-ub._

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

Twilight's voice rang out, "Rainbow Da-a-ash!"

**"Oh, come the fuck on!"**


End file.
